Many of you have asked questions, and I’m going to do my best to answer them openly and honestly. Please don’t think I’m feeling sorry for myself. (Or, maybe I am, a little bit!) I hope this post will help me to line some of these things out in my mind as I begin to answer the most common questions.
Are You Scared?
I don’t really feel scared, at least not in the sense of keeping me awake at night. I felt serious anxiety about the Echocardiogram because I knew that my one hope for treatment hinged on the outcome and my earlier experience with a heart function test wasn’t all that great. When I got to the actual procedure, I felt peace knowing that it was in God’s hands and many of you were praying for the outcome I needed. I actually prayed for many of you during the procedure.
There are fears, but I think most of my feelings are more along the lines of grief – grieving the loss of life as I know it. I’m a dreamer, and maybe I’m grieving the loss of my dreams. (And I haven’t even lost them yet!) I’m not a bucket lister, but I have many dreams, big and small.
I enjoy living! I have always thrived on spending time with my family and friends. I love hosting guests in our Bed & Breakfast. I love going out to lunch or dinner. I love staying in friend’s homes and in other Bed and Breakfasts. I love to travel and experience new things. I find myself thinking about how this will likely limit my ability to do the things I love with the people I love. That doesn’t scare me, but I do feel a real sense of disappointment.
Memories bring me great joy, and it’s not really fear, but I think I grieve the thought that I won’t be able to build many new memories. Like I’m now grounded. Forever. Chemo every other week will put me on restriction. We may never make it back to see Glenn’s older sister in Denver or visit my friend Rachael, the author, and Yosemite in California, or… experience Biltmore at Christmas. I have probably seen the cowboy ride away for the last time. I have lots of “Remember when’s” with my family and friends. Some are happy, some are sad, and several of them include tons of laughter. Thank you, my friends, for those gifts! My heart says look forward to many more, but my brain says, “That’s not very realistic.” Please pray that I’ll find a balance – and that I’ll be able to continue to dream and craft new memories.
I do have many thoughts of, “How long do I have?” It’s funny. Not funny “ha-ha,” but funny odd. Funny different. The doctor thinks chemo can shrink some tumors and buy me a couple of years. I hosted our family Christmas dinner, as I do every year, which always brings me joy. I sure enjoy having family and friends around the table! Yet, at different points in the menu planning, guest inviting, etc., it crossed my mind that this might be my last one. None of us know how long we have, but it’s a different perspective when doctors look straight at you and say that your time is definitely limited.
I love to spend time with others, yet I know I have to be extra careful with my health. I’m scheduled to start chemo on January 22, nearly a month after the first date they told me. I may not hug you tight (or I might hold my breath when I hug you!), but please don’t be afraid to come near me. I feel concerned about being grounded… restricted… isolated. I’m concerned that my health situation will limit my ability to interact with others and that it will make people uncomfortable about being around me.
I’m hopeful that the Lord may give me some additional time. I feel like my brain has a Tim McGraw country song playing on repeat. However long I have, please pray that I will spend my time well and live life to the fullest.
Many have asked what you can do and whether I have a GoFundMe page. I’ll answer those questions.
But that’s a post for another day.
Blessings on State Bed & Breakfast is an award-winning all-suite inn located in Jacksonville, Illinois. Hospitality is our hallmark. We offer many amenities, including overnight accommodations in a 130-year-old vintage mansion, Wi-Fi, expansive lawn and gardens, all-season fireplaces, and multi-course breakfasts. Come see us! Our reviews reflect that guest satisfaction is a high priority.
Follow us on Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube.
Gwenn, You and your family are always in my prayers.
Thank you so much!
Gwenn, what a beautiful Facebook page. I so enjoyed reading your Journey with Cancer as I am on the same journey and thankful for all the blessings of love. I have met you several times through our dear friend Mary and a meeting you hosted several years ago with Herb Guild. I hope to visit you soon. God bless.
I pray that you will do well with your treatment and I look forward to visiting with you!